My Top Tip: It’s Essential to Be Able to Say “LGBTQ+”
A lot of people struggle with keeping up with Queer terminology.
While “LGBTQ+” is a bit of a tongue twister, it’s cringe when someone says it wrong. When someone can say it right, it not only scores points, it signals they are a safe person.
I break down the evolution of the acronym, what it means, and why it’s not perfect. I also discuss why it’s so important to be able to confidently say “LGBTQ+” and give helpful ways to practice saying it until it rolls off the tongue.
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Show Notes:
Eric Sullivan:
[00:00:01] Welcome to the Be Proud With Eric podcast, the place for all things Queer empowerment. I'm your host, Eric Sullivan, he/him pronouns. I'm a proud gay person, licensed therapist and DEI consultant. My mission is to empower members of the LGBTQ+ community and teach people to be better. Allies. I love connecting with people and I'm so glad you're here. Let’s do this.
[00:00:30] On today's episode, I'll be sharing my top tips to show your Queer competency.
[00:00:39] Safe to say that I think most people want to be good allies and they want to be supportive to the community. But they don't always know a lot of the terminology. That's used to refer to members of the community and various identities. And what I tend to see is that people often get tripped up with even just how to refer to the community.
[00:01:01] They're not quite sure what is the accurate way. And even if they know the accurate way, they don't always know how to say it.
[00:01:10] So here is my top tip to show your career competency: It is essential to be able to say LGBTQ+ with confidence when someone can say LGBTQ+, I notice it every single time. And when they don't know how to say it, or if they don't say it right. I notice that every time too. Yes, it's a little bit of a tongue twister.
[00:01:39] There are a lot of continents right in a row. But even though I'll give you a little bit of grace there, you've still got to know how to say it.
[00:01:48] You know, why is this so important? First of all, it shows that you know that currently this is the most widely used way to refer to the community. It doesn't mean it's always the way that the community is referred to. It kind of depends on the space, but it is the most widely used term by members of the Queer community and major Queer organizations.
[00:02:13] So if you know that and you're able to do it, it shows that you're in the know, and it also shows that you've made efforts to practice it, to be able to say. If we think about companies, this is really essential for everyone within the organization to be able to say it, but in particular, everyone in the HR department needs to know how to say it as well as anyone in a management or supervisor role.
[00:02:38] Because when you're welcoming new people into your company, whether that is your employees or whether that is your consumers and the clients that you serve. If you can say LGBTQ+ to them in the conversation, when it makes sense, it’s going to build a bridge. It's going to establish a sense of safety.
[00:03:00] This could come up in an interview. Someone might talk about how social justice and diversity equity and inclusion is important to them. This could come up during a company orientation. Whether someone's new to their team and getting to know them, or someone who's worked for the company for a long time and is just coming out to their team.
[00:03:23] You might be the person on the other end of that. And so if you can incorporate into the conversation, the term LGBTQ+, you're going to establish a sense of trust and safety with that person. And conversely. If you don't know how to say it, or if you say it wrong, you're going to lose some points in that moment.
[00:03:42] You're going to lose some Ally points. It doesn't mean that if you say it wrong or you don't know how to say it, that you're not a supporter of the community and of members of that community, but it does show something. Also be careful not to avoid using the term because you're scared that you don't know how to say it.
[00:04:01] Like if somebody says I'm a member of the LGBTQ+ community, and that's very important to me, and it's very important that this company supports that, you don't want to say something like, “Oh yes, we as a company, we absolutely support that.” Or, “We even have a group here for that.” You want to be able to, and it's really important to be able to, in that moment, actually say the name of the community to establish your own cred.
[00:04:29] Also keep in mind that as Queer people, we are often left out of the conversation. We're often not acknowledged. There's a sense of erasure that comes with that. So it's that much more important to make an effort to actually say the name of the community.
[00:04:46] Let's go ahead and all practice it now together. Let's practice saying it. So again, just reminder it's “L G B T Q plus.” So ready? Wherever you are right now, you might be in your car on a drive. You might be doing some stuff around the house. You might be relaxing on the couch. Wherever you are, right now, practicing this with me on 3 1, 2, 1:
“L G B T Q plus"
[00:05:21] All right. Take a pause now and kind of reflect on that. How was that for you? What was that like? Maybe that was the very first time you had ever said that before. Maybe it felt a little awkward. Maybe you have said that word a hundred thousand times and it was totally easy for you, or anywhere in between.
[00:05:43] Spoiler: a great way to get more comfortable with using that term is to practice saying it. We'll also talk about some other ways that will help you to be able to remember what that term is and practice using it.
[00:05:59] I think what happens is when people aren’t comfortable saying it, and it's about to come up in the conversation, or they're going to try to say it, they get worried that they're going to say it wrong, and then they get a little flustered and then they start to operate from that anxiety. And if they're already a little bit shaky on how to say it, they're going to goof it up.
[00:06:23] It's not going to come out right.
[00:06:25] I get to see this in real life all the time. You know, through conversations that I have with other people, oftentimes if people are asking me what I do for work, you know, years ago when I would say, “Oh, I'm a licensed therapist.” “Oh, okay. That's cool. Is there any particular type of therapy that you do? Do you have a specialization?”
And I would say, “LGBTQ+.” And I would get a variety of responses to that. And I still do to this day when people find out that is the type of work that I do here are some of those responses that I get. This doesn't happen as much as it used to because the community has gotten a lot more visibility that has also come with education and acceptance, but don't get me wrong, it still does happen. Sometimes what I get is, you know, “What kind of work do you do?” “I do advocacy for the LGBTQ+ community.” Sometimes I simply just get, “What's that?”
[00:07:29] And, I have my own internal reaction to that. I'm like, come on, like for reals, this is like not only my identity, it's the community that I'm a part of. It's 2021, we're pushing 2022. You should have some understanding of what that word means enough to, if somebody says it to be able to roll with it, but I still do get sometimes, “What’s that?”
[00:07:58] And so I swallow my internal reaction. I take a breath and I say, it stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and plus.
[00:08:06] Another common reaction that I get if people, I mean, this could be a number of things. Maybe they're not sure what I'm talking about. Maybe they just don't really feel like talking about it. Maybe they're not in support of the community, whatever the case, a lot of times I'll get. “Oh…okay.” And it kind of just gets left at that.
[00:08:30] And I just leave it at that too. That's fine. But it's not ideal, you know what I mean? Cause for me to be on the other end of that, I'm like what was that “Oh” about? Do they even know what I meant? Did they not care, you know, could they try to even give a little bit more than that? And, you know, let me be clear too.
[00:08:51] A lot of times I get, "Oh my gosh, that's amazing. That's so cool. I'm so glad you're doing that type of work. That kind of work is so important.” You know, all of those responses are super validating and affirming and it also kind of invites further conversation. If we're in a space to do that, if I'm in the mood to do that, you know, I practice strong work-life boundaries.
[00:09:14] So sometimes when I'm off the clock and if it's the weekend, if I'm out and about, I don't really want to talk about my advocacy work. I don't really want to talk about being a therapist. So sometimes I'll just leave it alone.
[00:09:25] Now often times what will happen too, is sometimes people want to build a bridge and they want to build a connection there and kind of let me know they have some way of relating to that. “That's the type of work that I do.” And so they'll start talking to me about it and somewhere along the way, it's kind of, they’re turn, ready or not, say that term in the conversation. And also it's like, if I've already said it and they're in their head, it's like, “Oh shoot, is that the way to say it? How did he say it? Which one was first? What was that plus at the end?” So again, I get, you know, a variety of responses when people try. Here's one that I get sometimes.
[00:10:02] “Oh, that's really cool. I just went to a training recently on the L B. T, oh, whatever it is. I mean, seriously, why do you guys have to make it so hard for us? Ha ha.” Not funny, and a very loaded statement that I do get, I've gotten versions of that many different times and they're not serious. I mean, like they're not, that's not really what they mean. They're just uncomfortable. They said it wrong. There may be a little bit embarrassed, but you know, it comes out as like, “Why does it have to be so hard to say?”
[00:10:43] And sometimes it comes out as “why do you all have to make it so hard for people to say.” Don't do that. Not good.
Another one that I get sometimes is people say they're very slowly because they have to think about it. So it's like, “Oh, that's awesome. I'm totally a supporter of the L…G… B… And then they finish and then they get to the end and then sometimes people congratulate themselves.
[00:11:14] They're like, “Yes, I said it right!” You know, which I can have a laugh with them. It's totally fine. But just as an FYI, since we're kind of talking behind the scenes stuff, don't do that. Don't tell on yourself don't tell that it was difficult for you to do, and that's how excited you are that you got it right.
[00:11:30] Just let it be. If you say it right, you can say that in your head, you can be like, “Yes, I said it I've just built a bridge. I just proved my Ally cred. This is awesome.” You can totally do that in your head. Don't do it to the other person. Cause to be on the other end of it. It's like, yeah I mean, it's not that much to ask. It doesn't seem like that much to ask for people who that's our community and that's our identity. We want people to know that.
[00:12:01] Because also the objective here is for this to be something that is synced up in your brain that can just roll off the tongue. And you want it to look like this is something you say all the time, because again, that's also sort of demonstrating your ally cred. So once you practice it, and once it does sync up and roll off the tongue, there is going to be confidence that comes with that.
[00:12:24] There's going to be relief that comes with that. It feels really good to be able to talk the talk. That's a really important way to show Queer community members that you're in the know, you know the lingo. Can you use the lingo? Can you do it comfortably? If so you get a big check mark. It doesn't mean you're totally done, right?
[00:12:47] It doesn't mean like, “Ooh. Okay, great. All I have to do is learn this term and then I'm good to go!” No, this is just a starting spot. This is a foundational thing to be able to know, but of course there's a lot of other things to know and do to be supportive of the community.
[00:13:06] Hey everyone. Eric here. Want to get a behind the scenes, look at my life and stay in the loop about how you can be LGBTQ+ inclusive? Pull out your phone, get on Instagram and connect with me at Be Proud With Eric. BRB. Gotta go level up my selfie game. See you there!
[00:13:28] There was a time years ago when I was working at an organization, and I both facilitated a support group for the youth there, and I also, this was the first company that I really got to dig deep in and kind of transform them on a company wide level and teach them how to be Queer inclusive. One of the ways that all got started is they asked me to start doing some staff trainings there.
[00:14:00] “Can you teach our staff to be, more knowledgeable about and more supportive to the Queer community?” So I was preparing for one of the staff training, and this was an organization that served youth. It was a residential campus that the youth lived on. And so I had my support group that week, that day, where I was going to be with the youth that were a part of the group.
[00:14:26] And so I thought. Hey, why not go straight to the source? If I'm going to be teaching these adults how they can be supportive to Queer youth, why not ask these Queer youth? So, I had my group was all hanging out and I let them know, Hey, I'm going to be training the staff on how they can be supportive to you all.
[00:14:47] So I'd love to know: What could a staff member here do that would let you know that they were supportive to you of being LGBTQ+. And one of my youth just looked up and said, “If they know how to say it.” And I was like, "Woaaahhh. Yes. Yes.” Like it was such a simple statement, but such a powerful one and something that it resonated with me.
[00:15:18] And it's certainly something that I have thought of and experienced before, but I've never had anyone say it that plainly: “I feel supported by someone if they can just say the name of the community that I'm a part of,” and he kind of said it with like a little bit of an undertone of like parentheses, “I mean, it's really not that hard. They should be able to say it.” And I kind of identified with that part too, but I thought it was awesome. I was like, yes, like I wrote it down in all caps, I put a big star next to it. I was like, “Thank you so much.
[00:16:02] I’m 100% going to use that. I am going to give you credit. I'm going to let them know it came from one of you all. Not only am I going to use it in my training with them, I'm going to use this for the rest of my career.” And I have. I’ve told this story so many times and I've really seen how impactful it can be for adults, especially if you think about a teenager, right?
[00:16:26] They're not always apt to talk to you about what's going on and what their needs are. And so to here like, wow, this came straight from a youth, that’s powerful.
[00:16:38] Now, one of the things I often hear from people who are like, okay, cool. Like if that's what you're saying is to know this term is important. We can practice doing that. One of the things, that is tricky for people that I hear a lot is that the acronym has changed so much that they're not quite sure which is the most current one.
[00:16:58] And they're also like, is it going to change again? And how will we know? So like, fair, but also like my encouragement to everyone is just saddle up, because language is ever evolving and language within the Queer community is ever evolving. And the way that the community is referred to has been adapted a lot throughout time and will continue to.
[00:17:22] So even though right here right now, LGBTQ+ is the most widely used amongst Queer organizations, it’s going to change. So let's talk a little bit about sort of the history of how it even got to be LGBTQ+. Back in the day, the kind of the way to refer to the community was the Gay community.
[00:17:45] That was kind of the catch all. Many times it's still used. But it's not the most inclusive. It’s kind of outdated because it doesn't encapsulate all the various identities of the Queer community. In the media will still say, “Gay people,” when really they're referring to the entire Queer community. Not ideal.
[00:18:09] And not the most accurate, not the most inclusive, but that's kind of how it started. “The Gay community.” From there, it evolved into the Gay and Lesbian community. People started to recognize, Hey, like even though Gay can refer to any gender, it often has a connotation for gay men, and that doesn't recognize that a lot of gay people are women.
[00:18:33] And a lot of gay people who are women prefer to use the word Lesbian. And so that was added in as sort of, you know, a recognition of that. And then from there. The B for bisexual and the T for transgender were added to start. That was G L B T, which was a little bit before my time. By the time I came into the world of Queer advocacy, LGBT was the acronym at the time.
[00:19:03] But before that it was GLBT. No shade to anyone, but it's a little bit outdated. And sometimes I still hear it once in a blue moon and it's not wrong, especially for a Q ueer person to say GLBT, it's perfectly acceptable. It's just a little bit like,
[00:19:23] you know, I just kind of have that moment of like, “Aw, that's still how you say it.” I've tried to do a lot of research to figure out why did it go from GLBT to LGBT? I've always been so curious about that. I've never been able to get a firm hard answer in the research that I've done.
[00:19:47] So this is kind of just Queer folklore. From what I have found the rationale behind the letter switch there, it was a nod to feminism.
[00:20:00] This is a post-production add in from my editor. He said: “My Queer history professor at university said the switch from GLBT to LGBT was to recognize that some of the only people that would help slash nurse slash take care of gay men dying from aids in the earlier years of the aids epidemic were lesbians."
[00:20:21] Cool. Good to know. Thanks, Zach. One of the awesome benefits of having queer people on your team.
[00:20:26] Now from there, LGBT evolved into LGBTQ and when that first happened, and that was probably we're talking ballpark 2010, that Q was brought in and it mostly stood for questioning.
[00:20:43] Not exclusively apply to youth, but often apply to youth. And it was, you know, questioning is still you know, a part of the queer acronym today and not just means anyone who is sort of exploring what their identity is. And isn't quite sure and is wondering what it is, which is nothing wrong with that exploration.
[00:21:03] That was how that Q used to be most widely used and referred to. Along the way that Q evolved into queer, which is more so what the Q means now. If somebody says LGBTQ, they're saying lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, not typically questioning. So back in the day when it was LGBTQ, that it could go either way, Q could stand for queer or questioning.
[00:21:31] Started more so as questioning kind of evolve to either one. And then from there gradually other letters got added to the acronym. LGBTQQ; LGBTQQIA; LGBTQQIAP2S. So because you know, of course there are so many different identities and people started to recognize they should be included. And so they were added and even to this day, if somebody was to say any variation of that acronym with a bunch of letters to it's totally accurate, and it's actually probably more inclusive than just LGBTQ+. That plus sign came in, I'd say probably about like within the past five years or so.
[00:22:19] And that plus represents that there are other identities within the queer umbrella, not represented simply by LGBT and Q. So part of me really loves it. I think it's great. I think it's, you know, it's kind of helpful to have a catch all and to signify there are other identities, but it's not perfect.
[00:22:40] And also, you know, I'm a gay person, so my identity is fully represented within that acronym. Pretty prominently within that acronym. My identity as a gay person is still often the way that the entire community is referred to. So I totally recognize that I hold privilege in that in co-signing LGBTQ+ as currently the most widely used term.
[00:23:08] Not perfect and not great because it leaves out other identities. And another time with my youth group I had another interaction where I really realized how important that could be to someone whose identity was not in that acronym. We had, again, this was a residential campus, and one of the staff let me know one day, “Hey, there's a new youth, new to the campus.They let us know when they got here that they want to join the group.” The group was called LGBTQ+ Empowerment Group. So they were like, he wants to join, which like, duh, of course, why wouldn't he, it was so much fun. “But before he comes, he wants to talk to you one-on-one.” which, you know, totally normal.
[00:24:01] That's not that big of a deal. It's not like that was the first time that happened. I was like, "Sure. Of course, absolutely send them over my way.” So I was chatting with him, you know, first just getting to know him. “What's your name? What's your deal? How have things been for you so far since you've been here?"
[00:24:20] And somewhere along the way he said, “Yeah, you know, the reason I wanted to meet with you today is because the staff in my dorm let me know about the LGBTQ+ Empowerment Group. It sounds really cool. I was actually a part of a similar group at my high school before I came here. And I just wanted to double check. I identify as pansexual, and so I'm not sure like, am I allowed to join the group because it's the LGBTQ+ group does that also include people who identify as pansexual?” And I was like, “Oh my gosh. Yes, of course, absolutely. You're 100% a part of the Queer community. And we would love to have you in the group and you're right, it’s not great that your letters aren't included in there.” And because I don't have that lived experience of not having my letter be in that acronym. And I still didn't, but it was like, Wow. That just showed how important that is, how important representation is.
[00:25:35] And the lack of belonging that comes when your identity is not represented. It was also the way that he said it. It wasn't just the words. I mean, he, in no part of it was like, he wasn't like, why isn't my identity in the group name? It wasn't like that at all. It was like, sweet and innocent. You know, am I allowed to come?
[00:26:00] And it just, it kind of broke my heart. And it made me realize that people won't always feel welcome unless you outwardly welcome them.
[00:26:08] I've talked about various ways that the acronym has been used. I've talked about the importance of using it now, how to do better with saying it, so now, how can everyone out there get better with saying it? So first. I've come up with a pneumonic device to help kind of remember, because again, there's a lot of letters.
[00:26:32] It's a little tricky. You might be like what is it again? And which one goes for us and how do I say it? So here's a little memory device to help remember when you get stuck. I want everyone to think about someone that they have a really big crush on. It can be a real person, or this can be a fictional person, but I want you to imagine someone that makes your heart go pitter, patter. And I want you to nickname this person, “LG.” It could be like letters that, you know, it could be their initials. It could be Elgie, like Elgie is their name, either one. “LG.” And then the way to remember it is, why do you like them so much?
[00:27:16] Because LG be too cute. Plus they have the best personality.
[00:27:24] LG be too cute, plus they have the best personality. Just a helpful way to remember L G B T Q +. Another great way is to of course, practice saying it. I’m going to borrow a tip from the great Cher Horowitz of the nineties classic, Clueless. There is a scene where Cher and Ty are hanging out at her house and Cher uses the word, sporadically.
[00:27:56] And Ty says, “What's that?” and Cher says, “It means once in a while. Try to use it in a sentence.” So she was onto something, right? Use it in a sentence. It'll sync up in your brain. It'll just come more naturally the next time you need to say it or use it. So here are some sentences to practice the term.
[00:28:21] Let's start with an easy one. Nice and simple. “June is LGBTQ+ Pride month.” FYI in case you didn't know that, that's accurate. Most people probably know that June is LGBTQ+ Pride month. Here's another one: “On the Be Proud With Eric podcast. I learned how important it is to be able to say LGBTQ+ with confidence.”
[00:28:52] Did you like that little plug right there? I mean, come on, you knew that was coming. Hey, it's a new show. I'm trying to get it up and running. I'm trying to build up the audience. Help your boy out.
[00:29:05] Okay. Here's another one: “Another way to say LGBTQ+ is to use the word Queer.” Yes, that's right. another little knowledge bomb to drop on you there. Queer can be used in a few different ways. I'm going to cover this more on a different day, but one of the ways that the word Queer can be used is as a synonym for the term LGBTQ+.
[00:29:34] You've probably noticed I use these two interchangeably, right? I say LGBTQ+ 70,000 times a day with the work that I do. And so it's nice to switch it up. And one of the great ways to do that is Queer can mean the exact same thing as that. For example, I can say I work in Queer advocacy. I'm a member of the Queer community.
[00:30:01] This podcast is all about Queer empowerment. I could also say this podcast is all about LGBTQ+ empowerment and it lands the same. Also bonus to practice getting comfortable with saying the word Queer. Sometimes people aren't sure they're like, “Is that a bad word? I kind of thought it was a bad word. Am I allowed to say it or just community members allowed to say it?”
So, Queer is not a bad word when used appropriately. Of course it can still be used as a slur, but it's a reclaimed word. Our community took it back. We're here. We're queer. Get used to it. Just kidding. You know, also I can remember when I was gearing up to move back to Charleston and I reached out to a fellow Queer therapist in this area and I said, “Hey, I'd love to grab a cup of coffee and talk to you. I’m planning to move back. And I just want to get a feel for, you know, what the professional Queer therapy world is like there.” And while we were having coffee, I said something along the lines of like, “Wow, thank you so much. It's really important to me to have a Queer community and to be around other Queer people that do similar work.”
[00:31:22] And they were like, “Wow, thank you for saying that. It's so refreshing to hear someone use the word Queer and to be able to say it with confidence.” So bonus there, if you can say that one too. If anyone outside of the community says the word queer to me in confidence and appropriately, it scores points for me.
[00:31:43] I'm like, cool, awesome. It's another thing that they've made efforts to learn and understand that it's good for them to say it too. And they said it and they said it with confidence.
[00:31:55] Alrighty y'all that is all the deets on LGBTQ+. So go out there, practice saying it. If you mess it up, it’s okay. Pause, take a deep breath and just say it again. I promise you the more that you say it, it's going to roll off your tongue. I have probably said it at least 300 times during this episode. I could probably say it in my sleep and that's because I've practiced saying it a million times. So go forth, you’ve totally got this.
“Be seeing you.”
“Yeah. Hopefully not sporadically.”
Thank you so much for hanging out with me today If you're feeling inspired by today's ep, help your boy out, by subscribing to the show and leaving a review. To learn more about how I can guide you through your Queer glow-up, head over to beproudwitheric.com and remember:
Always be proud of who you are.
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