How Ally Pig Taught Me People Might Be More Supportive Than They Seem

Being made fun of hurts.

When people tease us for being LGBTQ+, it reinforces messages we learned at a young age: We’re different from straight and cisgender people, and they may not like us for that. But, sometimes when it seems like people don’t accept us, it’s not actually the case. 

I recount the story of a teenager at my former job going from making fun of me for being LGBTQ+, to giving me a gift that suggested he was actually an ally. I also share my thoughts on the psychology behind Queer oppression and how allies can effectively combat marginalization and anti-LGBTQ+ behaviors when they see them happening. 

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Show Notes:

On today's episode, I'll be telling you the story of Ally Pig and how receiving it as a gift helped me to learn the lesson that things are not always what they seem and people might support the LGBTQ+ community, even when their actions suggest, otherwise. Let me start with a bit of backstory.

As I've mentioned, I used to work at a residential campus for youth who are in the foster care system. And specifically these were youth who had gotten a legal charge and rather than go to juvenile hall, they went to a therapeutic residential facility. These were mostly high school age. And mostly male identified youth.

The main residential campus was where the male youth lived as well as there was two group homes for boys. And there was two group homes for girls before I get into it. I want to make a note about the stigmatization of youth that are in the juvenile justice system, as well as youth that are in the foster care system.

There's a lot of stigmatizing that comes with that. A lot of people look at those youth as troubled or bad youth and things like that. I want to be super, super clear. That is not the case. These teens were amazing. They're really great people. It was a pleasure to get to work with them. And even the ones I didn't directly work with to get to see their growth while they were there and to get to learn things about them and know them as people.

So disclaimer there, that being said, being an openly gay staff member on this youth, residential campus was sometimes intimidating for me. For example, when I was new to the agency, you know, they pretty much said, start this support group from the ground up, including build it up, find the youth who are going to be a part of it.

So, what I did was I went around to all the different dorms and group homes on the campus. And I introduced myself and I pitched the LGBTQ+ empowerment group that was starting on the campus. This can be intimidating to do in front of a room full of people, especially a room full of teenagers. Some of them would snicker or some of them would give each other weird looks like, "Who's this guy?

And what did he just say? And why is he telling us about this? Like, we don't care." However, many of them would also be respectful. They would ask appropriate questions. I was happy to answer those. I really liked being a resource to everybody. And a lot of them would be like, "I think this is cool. My sister is gay.

Uh, my best friend is transgender, you know, various things like that." So it wasn't all bad, but it's still a little bit scary to do. So after I had done that, I went around and I met everyone. So everyone on the campus, the staff and the youth knew that I was the LGBTQ+ therapist. That was how my job title started.

And not only did they know that they also knew that I was openly gay because I shared this with once the group got started, I shared it with the youth in my group. That was really important to me. Like I wanted to be fully transparent about that. Like, "Hey, I'm an out and proud member of the LGBTQ+ community."

That was really important for my youth to know that and to get, to model that to them and show them, this is a good thing. This is something to be proud of. This is absolutely something that can be shared. So as you can imagine with youth who are all living on a campus together after I shared this with my group.

I'd say by the next day, everybody on the campus knew that I had shared that, which I was fine with. I didn't care. I wasn't like, "This is a secret. Don't tell anybody." I didn't also say, go out and tell everyone. I just kind of let it be. And I didn't really care and not in a malicious way though, but you know, they would share with the people in their dorm, like, oh my gosh, you know, the new staff, Eric, he told us that he's gay.

So it was just really quickly spread throughout the campus, which did create some waves amongst the agency and amongst the administration. That's a story for another day that had some ripple effects that ended up being great, but there were some things to contend with there. I will get into that another time.

Sort of backstory to all of this was I did not have a dedicated workspace the first year or so that I worked for this organization. It was a part-time job. They asked me to start a support group for the Queer youth on the campus. They did give me a space to hold that group in, which was nice. Right. That was a step.

I had a dedicated space to actually hold the group, which the very first week or two, I did it. We were having it in the back room in the cafeteria, we were having it, you know, just in any kind of random spot that could hold a group of people. That's where we were doing the group. So then they said, oh, here you go.

You can have the staff conference room. It'll be available during that day in time, which was nice. But it wasn't perfect. There would be a lot of times for the room would be double booked and we would get the shaft and, you know, I would get. Basically, you need to find somewhere else to do the group today.

So it wasn't perfect. I also didn't have a spot to do my notes because I didn't have an office space, which was interesting. So basically wherever I could find you an open computer, I would just ask somebody, can I write my group notes please? And my supervisor definitely was an ally and an advocate for me and she helped secure.

She was like, oh, the receptionist goes home at whatever time it was, three o'clock every day. And I got her permission. She said, she'd be happy to let you use her desk and computer to type and submit your notes. Which I didn't mind. And it was out in sort of the open staff area. So I got to meet a lot of the different staff when I was new to the agency, but it was hilarious because a lot of them thought I was a receptionist for the longest time and they'd asked me, you know, certain administrative stuff.

And that's when I was like, oh no, actually I'm the LGBTQ therapist. I do the group here, you know? So it was kind of like a funny talking point then eventually the position became a full-time position. I've kind of spoken to this, but they saw the longer that I was there, the more I was sharing with them about sort of the needs of the agency, not only for the youth, but for the staff there who were Queer identified, they finally said, Hey, why don't you become a full-time staff member here and really revamped this place and make it inclusive?

Which was amazing. I loved it. So when that time came, I finally got a quote unquote office space on the campus, which was a very small shared office space that used to be a reception area and it had two offices sort of behind it. And I shared this space with another staff member. There is shout out to my girl, Laura, we got along so well.

It was really actually a blast having her in that space, but it was tight. We both had our two small desks up against opposing malls and that was all that fit in that space. One day I had started a staff employee resource group at this agency for the Queer identified and allied staff. And through that, I met a lot of the staff that were on the surrounding campuses that I didn't know.

And I was getting to collaborate with a bunch of new people, which I love doing. And one day, one of those staff members who was also a member of the Queer community and she was helping to champion the new group. She was like, Hey, I'm going to be on the main campus. So why don't I come by your office? And we'll talk about, you know, whatever stuff was going on.

So I was like, absolutely. Here's how you get here, come up the stairs, you know, knock on the door and we'll let you in. So we let her into the space and this woman had a very deadpan personality and she looked around and she goes, this is your office. And I was just like, yeah. And she goes, Marginalization at its finest.

Accurate, right? So like side, note to companies out there. It's one thing to have a Queer staff position. It's one thing to have Queer programming, but it's more than that. That's not enough also. It's like, how do you show the importance of those positions? What messages are you communicating to people about those positions?

For example, I mean, undercurrent, without saying it, this other Queer identified staff member was basically like, they've got you in like Harry Potter's closet, basically. I mean, without saying it, but she was like, what is this? This is a space to work in, you know, and marginalization.

(AD BREAK)

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Pull out your phone, get on Instagram and connect with me at Be Proud With Eric. BRB. gotta go level up my selfie game. See you there.

The reason I'm painting such a picture about what this space was like is because, like I mentioned, there was two offices behind this space. So to get to those offices, you had to walk through the office that I shared with my office mate. And those were two therapist offices. And the full-time like primary therapists on the campus would have a daily.

For their teens that were on their caseload. So they would hold the group every afternoon for say, I don't know, an hour in their office space. And so the youth would have to come in and out of where I worked in order to get to those offices. So somewhere along the way, this trend started where every day the one of the groups would get done and the youth would all.

I mean, technically they were supposed to walk like single file and in a group, but not mess around when they were going from place to place. But so they, you know, they would have to walk out from the office space and come through where I was working and pass by my desk. And he was tight, you know, to get by.

There were certainly room to walk by, but it was a tight space. And this trend started where one of the youth residents would make a really big production about staying as far away from me as possible as he could, when he would walk by. And he was very pointed. You know, it was very much posturing. It was like, I mean, he would like hug the wall and put his back to me and everybody else would laugh and it felt really shitty.

It felt like I was in high school again, it actually felt like middle school again, where my straight male peers were posturing to let it be known to everybody, they were not cool with me. They did not want to be associated with me. So, you know, it happened one day. It happened the next day. It happened the next day.

And I would just sort of sit at my desk and ignore it and just keep working. And one day the therapist approached me about. And she was like, what's going on? When they're coming out of my group, what's the problem what's happening? Cause I'm not seeing it. Cause she would be either at the end of the line or just saying bye to them and a staff member would walk them out.

And so I explained to her what was happening and sort of why I thought it was happening. And she was like, oh, this isn't okay. And. She was like, we need to address it because you know, it's not okay for multiple reasons. One, like they're not supposed to be goofing around when they're leaving the office.

They're supposed to be, you know, on their best behavior. But beyond that, they're also like they're not allowed to be disrespectful to the staff. They're certainly not allowed to be doing it in a way that's suggesting they're not okay with you because you're gay. So. We need to address it because prior to that, when she was like, what's going on, I was like, yeah, it's happening.

But it's not that big of a deal. Like, it's fine. You know? And she was like, no, it's not. We need to address this. So she asked me, do you want to be a part of that? Do you want me to just talk to him? And we landed on, like, why don't you just talk to him? See how that goes, if it's necessary all conference into, but if not, maybe you can just squash it.

So she did, she talked to him and she let me know, Hey, I talked to him, it's not going to happen again. And I was like, great, thank you. Appreciate it. And sure enough, it stopped. Right? I would say the first week or so the boys were on their best behavior when they were leaving that office, because I think that only.

The one male resident get like spoken to, I think it was also addressed within the whole group to eight, which is a great idea. Right. Because they were, even though they were the ones doing it, they were sort of like indirectly a part of it. And so it's important for them to also know, Hey, that's not okay.

So then gradually started to get even better. The boy that used to make such a big deal about not wanting to walk by. Started saying hello to me. Right. They'd walked by and he would say, Hey, I hope you have a great day. Hey, I hope you have a good group today, which was cool. It was really relieving. It was like, oh, wow.

Okay. Not only is he not doing that thing, that didn't feel good before, but now he's actually like going out of his way to seemingly be nice to me. And it seemed really genuine. So that was just sort of that, you know, we never had really many exchanges outside of that. I've, you know, here and there, he would say hello to me.

And that was kind of that. And then one day I was out like walking on the main campus and he came up to me and he was like, Hey, I made something for you. And he had in his hand, this painting. Figurine slash paperweight type thing. That was a pig. And he had painted it in this bright kind of highlighters slash black light style, rainbow looking pattern, by the way, I'm going to post a picture of.

This pig onto my Instagram at Be Proud With Eric. So if you're not following already get on it and that way you could, you know, put a picture to the description. But so anyway, so he extended this out to me and he said, I made this for you. And I was kind of just like stunned at first. Like I was like, well, what is going on here?

And he said, I'm leaving placement in a few days, and I wanted to make this for you as a gift before I go. And I painted a rainbow since you're the LGBTQ therapist and he like stuck it out, you know, to give it to me. And so at that point I was like, wow, thank you. You know, it seemed really sincere. I was still confused, but I was like, thank you so much.

That's really cool. That's awesome that you're leaving here soon. Like best of luck take care, shook his hand. So I went back up to my office and I told my office made about it. And she was like, what? Like did not see that coming. What could have been going on there? And then shortly after his therapist was going back to her office and she came through our space.

And so I stopped her and I was like, Hey, I'm, so-and-so just gave this to me. And he said he made it for me. I don't know if that's actually true or if he just, I was walking by and he was just like, Hey, this is for you. And she was like, oh no, Nope. It's for you because he had to get permission from me in order to give it to you.

Right. Cause gift-giving youth to staff, like it's just like a boundary thing. So he had to get permission to do that. So he had gotten advanced permission, I guess, from his therapist. He like, can I, if I paint this pig rainbow big, can I give it to. And she said that he could, so she was like, oh good. He actually gave it to you.

So then we were all sitting around and we were like, she too was like, wonder what it was about. And my office mate was like, do you think he was trying to tell you that he's gay or something? And that's sort of like an old school kind of notion that like guys who make fun of gay people are actually gay themselves and trying to hide it.

And so they pick on other people to kind of keep the focus off of them and don't get me wrong. I mean, I think that does happen, but I don't think it's like a general rule. I don't think it's always the case. And I don't think most of the time it's the case. I think it happens, but I think more, so people make fun of Queer people because it stirs something up for them.

It questions something that they've been taught and they've been conditioned their whole life to believe, that straight and cisgender people are better and LGBTQ+ people. So when people see. Queer people who are proclaiming who they are, and they're proud of who they are, that doesn't fit into those boxes that are stored up in their mind, that they regard as a true.

And so that creates cognitive dissonance. Therapy word. And that dissonance generates discomfort, right? People don't like when they think that something they've known their entire lives and they thought was just a truth might not be true or something happens that questions that causes discomfort.

And then when we, as humans have discomfort, we try to manage it. And so that's one of the ways that manifests for people. They acted out on us, they try to knock us down and they try to remind us I'm better than you. This isn't something you should be proud of. This isn't something you should even be. And I think they're also trying to reaffirm that message to themselves.

So, you know, it's not actually true, of course, that they're better than us and we shouldn't be who we are, but that aligns with what they've been taught. And so that brings a sense of relief to them. And it's something that they believe on a fundamental and subconscious level. I don't think that inherently, this youth giving me this rainbow pig means that the youth was actually gay.

And that this is his way of sort of subtly telling me that I think what happened is his therapist checked what he was doing. She named it as wrong. She explained why it was wrong. She helped him to see it in a different way. He then felt bad about. And that was his way of making amends and letting me know he didn't have a problem with me being gay, whatever his identity was.

It seemed like he was trying to say he was an ally, right? An ally is someone who's not a part of the community themselves, but they support Queer people and they support LGBTQ+ equality. So I named it Ally Pig. I kept Ally Pig on my desk. It was a great reminder that even if people don't seem accepting, they might actually be.

And I just default to that, right. I just default to the positive maybe, which is they're probably accepting of who I am. So now, you know, the story of Ally Pig. I still have Ally Pig to this day. I brought it with me when I moved back to the east coast. I keep it on my desk presently. And I keep it as a reminder to myself to keep being out, keep being proud and a reminder that if it seems like someone doesn't support me for that, that might not actually be the case.

They might actually respect me for that, but they might not know how to tell me. And they might be afraid that if they show that to me, what will other people around them think. So some takeaways from all of this, to my allies out there, don't let it slide when people make fun of Queer people. Name it, correct it, and send a message that it's not okay.

Company managers and leadership are sometimes afraid to address anti LGBTQ+ behaviors in the workplace because they don't know what to say. So they just don't say anything at all. This is super problematic, because if you don't do anything in response, especially if you're in a position of power, it sends a message that it's okay to do that.

And that contributes to a non-inclusive and an unsafe workplace. Don't worry if you're like, oh, well, I actually don't know what to do when it happens. This is something that I help companies with. I can walk you through the exact policies and procedures that your organization needs to have in place to be ready and confident to respond to staff, enacting anti Queer bias.

I cover this and everything else your company needs to be fully Queer inclusive in my one-to-one coaching program for businesses. Proud Coaching. To get more info, you can check out, Be Proud With Eric.com/proud coaching. And for my fellow Queer people out there, remember that, even though it hurts when people make fun of us and it's not okay, it's not actually about us when they do it.

It's about them. Those people might fully support who we are or might want to, but they don't always know how to shift. So keep being your beautiful Queer self, loud and proud, and don't let anyone take that away.

(Outro)

Thank you so much for hanging out with me today. If you're feeling inspired by today's ep, help your boy out, by subscribing to the show and leaving a review. To learn more about how I can guide you through your Queer glow up, head over to Be Proud With Eric.com and remember, always be proud of who you are.

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